Grief - It's In The Eye Of The Beholder
by Glynis Sherwood
What is legitimate grief? Who decides what losses we may rightly mourn, for what length of time and how? It is my belief that grief is in the eye of the beholder, meaning that as human beings we grieve in direct proportion to what the loss means to us. For one person, the loss of a job may be more painful than the loss of a spouse, or vice versa. For another person, they may mourn the death of a beloved pet for years, but not feel as troubled by a long term health problem. Society has unrealistic expectations of grieving people to begin with, often pressuring people to move on from their loss before they have adequately mourned. In this post I touch on the subject of socially unrecognized aka "disenfranchised" or secret grief, with the hopes of increasing tolerance and understanding of grief and loss in its multiple manifestations.
Disenfranchised Grief - what a mouthful. What does this multi-syllable term mean? Disenfranchised grief is socially unrecognized grief, such as death of a pet, early miscarriage, forced retirement, or chronic illness. It can also encompass socially 'taboo' or prejudiced grief, including abortion, being bullied out of a job or loss of a same sex partner, to name a few. Disenfranchised grief occurs in 'secret', because open expression tends to be met with akward silence and distancing behavior. People experiencing socially unrecognized grief not only suffer alone, but feel invalidated and often judged by their family and peers, particularly if the grief is deemed to have gone on 'too long'. And those undergoing socially taboo grief learn early that expressing their loss openly can not only subject them to contempt, but also to the possibility of being shunned.
Secret grief is a symbol of the broader social challenge to understand, accept and support the process of grief in general. Even people grieving the death of an immediate family member are under unspoken social timelines to 'get over it' quickly. Employer allotted bereavement leaves are typically a few days maximum. And a few weeks after their loss, the bereaved see support for their grief starting to evaporate. Because death and loss are closeted in our society we miss out on the opportunity to care for each other in meaningful ways that can deepen our connections and strenghten the social fabric. For example, if it was generally known that the shock and pain of loss can last awhile, we could then ready ourselves to provide support to others weeks or months down the road. Or if it was commonly understood that the meaning of loss is deeply personal and sometimes life changing, we could make an effort be more empathic - and therefore more helpful - towards others.
So what are some practical approaches to helping others to bring secret grief out of the closet? If you are aware that someone you know has experienced a loss of any kind you can ask them if they want to talk about it and, if so, what kind of support would be most beneficial to them. Expressing loss is a right of passage that helps the mourner let go of the past, and your interest will likely be appreciated as people going through loss often feel very alone with their grief. It will also be helpful to let go of any preconceptions you may have about what constitutes a 'legitimate' loss. Allowing the griever to take the lead in sharing and defining the meaning of the loss can go a long way to healing the pain and stigma of 'secret' disenfranchised grief.
Glynis Sherwood MEd, CCC, is a Counselling Therapist specializing in recovery from loss, and complicated grief. For more information on how counselling can help you recover from Grief and Loss, contact me for a free 15 minute consultation. During that consultation we will discuss your situation, and how my counselling services can help you start to recover from grief and loss as soon as possible. You may contact me by telephone: 778-837-0616 or by email through my website: www.GlynisSherwood.com/grief-recovery-counselling.php My services are available in person in Vancouver Canada, or WorldWide by telephone or VOIP. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on the road to recovery!
© Glynis Sherwood
