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GRIEF RECOVERY - ARE MY EMOTIONS NORMAL, HEALTHY or SANE?

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 04:28:35 +0100

As a grief recovery counsellor, one of the most common questions I get asked is, “Are my emotions normal?”. And sometimes people worry, “Am I going crazy?”. Read on to learn more about common emotional responses to grief and loss, and what you can do to recover from this painful experience.

People often worry about their emotional responses to grief, and ask me if what they are feeling is normal, healthy or sane. The answer is almost always yes. Emotional responses to loss can feel unfamiliar and upsetting, but that does not mean they are wrong. And although the way individual people grieve is as unique as a fingerprint, there are still some common emotional reactions which, though painful, are signs of healthy recovery from loss. (read more...)

RECOVERY - THE BIG PICTURE

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 08:17:38 +0100

I'm very pleased to announce that I have expanded my counselling and coaching practice to embrace the theme of recovery in general. To me recovery means healing from psychological distress and injury, and although it certainly includes addiction, is not limited to it. Over the years my work with folks in recovery from addiction has shown me that emotional healing is 9/10ths of the journey. Commonly, recovery focuses on overcoming stress, anxiety, depression, low self worth, grief and loss and abuse and trauma. Addiction is one manifestation of an attempt to find a 'solution' to these problems, and then becomes a problem in itself. As I expand the scope of my work, I look forward to taking my vision forward, so I can have the opportunity to serve in a more complete, comprehensive and fulfilling way.

REBUILDING RELATIONSHIPS IN RECOVERY

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:53:47 +0100

One of the most common requests I get for counselling is to help people with their relationships in recovery from addiction. This can mean anything from repairing current relationships to developing healthier connections in the present and future. Sometimes the threat of losing a partner can be the catalyst for getting into recovery. Whatever the starting place, ultimately it is the addict’s desire for a better life, including healthier relationships as a center piece that will sustain their recovery.

There can be no doubt about it, relationships are hurt by addiction. From the constant fear of losing a loved one to addiction, and possibly death, to financial chaos, and the loss of trust and intimacy, addiction drives a wedge between loved ones. Partners of addicts often talk to me about the difficulty overcoming feelings of betrayal, as it seems like their loved one has been ‘having an affair’ with their substance or compulsive behaviour of choice. The secrecy and lies that are a hallmark of addictive behaviour compound that sense of being cheated on. Addiction results in a loss of intimacy as the energy that was formerly invested in the relationship is stolen by addictive behaviour. From my experience, rebuilding trust in intimate relationships can be one of the biggest but most rewarding of recovery challenges.

What are the steps to rebuilding relationships in recovery? There are parallel paths for people in recovery and their loved ones.

For the recovering person:

As with the addictive process itself - avoiding minimizing and denial of the problem. Acknowledging that their addiction has hurt their loved ones, even if they have trouble seeing this clearly due to memory being clouded by addiction, can be the first vital step towards healing the relationship
Apologizing for the hurt, and listening empathically to loved one’s concerns, fear and anger
Realizing that it will take time to rebuild trust and, therefore, cultivating patience
Learning new communication skills, including being direct about what you feel and need.
Defining a vision of your life together and how to get there
Seeking counselling to overcome psychological difficulties that led to addictive behaviours, and leave you vulnerable to relapse
Becoming a more active parent

For loved ones:

Understanding that your hurt is normal. Build hope by focusing on your long term goal – i.e. to reconnect positively with your loved one in recovery
Learning helpful communications strategies, including being assertive, setting limits, and stopping any enabling behaviours such as overcompensating for your recovering loved one
Refocusing on yourself. Pursuing individual and family activities that are a source of fulfillment and happiness
Talking with your loved one about your hopes for your future relationship, and taking steps to get there

For both the recovering addict and loved one’s, staying committed to the overall well being of oneself and the relationship is key. If the going gets tough, consider attending couple and/or family counselling to rebuild, stabilize and strengthen your relationship.

To help you gain a stronger foothold in your recovery sign up for my free report "7 Addiction Recovery Red Flags & What To Do About Them". I also invite you to contact me for a Free Consultation regarding my counselling services, in person in Vancouver BC, or by telephone or online across North America. To book your free consultation call 778-837-0616 or click here for Email

SURRENDER by John T. Marohn

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:48:58 +0100

I feel very fortunate to be able to present today's guest blog post by American writer John T. Marohn. Not only is John a superb writer, but he has been in recovery for over two decades, making him a first-hand chronicler of the recovery journey. After reading John's post, please visit his website and blog for more insights, essays and to order his wonderful books on recovery. Thanks John!

Before I started to write an essay on surrender, I went to my twitter page and tried to send another one of my many “What are you doing” twitter messages. Up popped a mysteriously serious black-and-white message, “HTTP Server Error 503.” I was back in Kafka land, the world of high-tech jargon, a cosmos that leaves old-timers like me speechless and cantankerous.

By doing some google research, I found out that my provider (whatever that means) is allegedly “working on the problem,” but that I should expect a delay. Given the fact that I have no clue about providers, I was forced to surrender to the land of technological obscurity (And, by the way, I'm from New England: I'm a guy who doesn't like to be “beholdin',” especially to some invisible “provider.”)

After experiencing this curse of temporary high-tech impotence, I felt gently nudged to start writing my essay for a twitter-friend in Vancouver. So here I am, my initial procrastination morphing into foxhole surrender.

Surrender. Ah, yes. Not the bearing-of-a-dog's-throat surrender. Not the giving-in-because-I-have-no-other-choice surrender (although foxholes have their place in recovery). Not the okay-I'll-give-in-now-but-get-you-later surrender. Or the You-owe-me-one surrender. But peaceful, no-agendas surrender, the kind that almost feels like an erotic giving in to the tenderness of the other, a folding into the arms of the unknown, which, in an addict-alcoholic's world is the reality of what is now, what is real, what is present, what is to be experienced in all of its scary, fragile uncertainty—so much different that the surrender to the next hit or the next shot of vodka as I submerged the reality of what I did two weeks before when I got hammered.

In my alcoholic state, desire was the salt I placed on the food of all my expectations. For me, alcohol fed all my fantasies. When I surrendered to the next drink, I thought I would turn into this unrepressed Lothario perfectly capable of conquering every lust-object in my path. And I could dream about being the next Nobel-prize fiction writer (the Pulitzer or Booker prize would have also worked) or the next Pavarotti under-study.

When I drank, surrender was always to my deluded self who believed that every part of my fantasy-world could be conquered. When I heard the fatal words, “last call,” I would become frantic; I was still at the bar. Nothing was working. My novel wasn't finished. I hadn't become famous. No one came up to me. And the bartender often stood in front of me, his eyes looking at the clock above the long rows of bottled booze. Time, in my alcohol-drenched-three-in-the-morning world, was always running out.

At the end of my drinking night, I was consistently in a frenzied, man-on-a-mission state. The next morning, I realized my mission, obviously, had never been accomplished, especially if I woke up with a stranger

And surrender today, in sobriety? Well, it's qualitatively different than it was when I was drinking. I am much more rooted in reality. I actually experience the full-blown fears of not always knowing what I'm surrendering to. The “unknown” continues to put me on edge. But I no longer want to wash away the panic with a drink, and I am much more rooted in the full reality of the unknowns that I have experienced in sobriety.

Not-knowing-the-outcome is no longer a lottery for me. I generally don't see the world as a collection of odds in my personal life. I have my occasional dreams, but I don't fantasize my dreams into grandiosity, nor do I tend to “awfulize” many of my fears into fatalistic scenarios. The world, for me, is a much smaller village of expectations and normal fears.

During my 25 years sober, I have had encephalitis, a stent, and open-heart and carotid artery surgery. My father and two older brothers died. And I am now experiencing mild panic over my decreasing pension funds.

I was quick to find the irony in my paranoia over the carotid artery surgery. After all, the carotid artery is the vessel that delivers the oxygenated blood to the brain (I was less afraid of a heart malfunction than I was of a stroke—which says something of my own sense of priorities: metaphorically, the brain, for me, continues to dominate over my heart issues—I'm workin' on it, my friends. It's a guy thing, I think).

However, I must say that, in spite of all my intellectual training and a family heritage that taught me to pull-back, I consistently find myself surprised to experience moments of unadulterated compassion. I am pleasantly surprised to actually feel into somebody else's grief. And this kind of surrender is becoming more and more frequent and immediate. It is an emotional giving-in that is magical, which, on so many occasions in my sobriety, has left me cathartically cleansed.

I can't always predict, with any amount of mathematical accuracy, the intensity or duration of any of my surrenders. I know from experience, though, that my acceptance-level, grounded in real time and real events, has been getting stronger the longer I keep working on my issues in sobriety.

So, as the old saying goes, “surrender to win.”

John T. Marohn, October 12, 2009

--
John T Marohn
Novel: http://tiorundastories.com
Recovery Site: http://arecoveryjourney.com
Blog: http://johntmarohn.com/blog

RECOVERY HARVEST TIME - YOU REAP WHAT YOU SEW

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:19:30 +0100

As the Addiction Recovery Month of September winds down and autumn gears up, it's a good idea to take stalk of how you have used this time in service of your recovery. It being harvest time, the theme is 'reap what you sow'. How are you feeling about your recovery? Do you feel a sense of progress or do you feel you have let yourself down? Have you stayed true to your vision for your life, or let addiction continue to call the shots? Are your health and relationships stronger because of positive recovery choices, or have you surrendered to the agenda of addiction?

Regardless of where you find yourself today, the fact remains that you are ready to be done with addiction when you are ready to be done with the consequences. What consequences are you ready to leave behind, and what benefits of recovery are you ready to embrace? Take some time to identify what you truly want to gain from recovery, and use this wisdom to guide you from today on.

And to help you gain a stronger foothold in your recovery for the remainder of the month of September I am pleased to offer a Free 50 minute Consultation to new or prospective clients, either in person in Vancouver BC, or by telephone or online across North America. To book your free consultation call 778-837-0616 or click here for Email

STEP 11 - GET SUPPORT! - 11 ADDICTION RECOVERY STEPS

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:38:06 +0100

Today's final Step #11 concludes this series of basic but powerful strategies for achieving addiction recovery. The entire article can be downloaded for free from the Articles page of my website. I invite you to use these steps and strategies to help guide you to a solid recovery.

Step 11 - Get Ongoing Support. Addiction causes isolation. Most people in recovery believe that finding community is critical to healing. Whether in a group, through counselling or with recovery buddies, you can only benefit by letting positive people into your life. The solution is to build healthy connections with others who will support your recovery success by sharing their friendship and wisdom in the long run.

Recovery Strategy: Developing healthy, supportive relationships and community are two important cornerstones of recovery. You may have to let some relationships go – especially with people who are active in addiction - in order to avoid relapse and to help yourself stay headed in a positive direction. If you are introverted, shy or uncertain about how to meet people you may want to start by connecting one-to-one with a counsellor. Most recovery support groups also understand the ‘newbies’ apprehension. Contact them by phone or email ahead of time and see if you can arrange to have someone accompany you into the meeting and make introductions. Review Step 3 for other ideas or if you are feeling stuck.

To help get your recovery journey moving in the right direction, for the month of September '09 I am pleased to offer a Free 50 minute Consultation to new or prospective clients, either in person in Vancouver BC, or by telephone across North America. To book your free consultation call 778-837-0616 or click here for Email

STEP 10 - REBUILD YOUR RELATIONSHIPS! - 11 ADDICTION RECOVERY STEPS

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:06:08 +0100

We are moving towards the finish line with Step 10 of 11 basic but powerful strategies for achieving addiction recovery. The final recovery Step - # 11 will be posted September 18th. Use these steps and strategies to help guide you to a solid recovery.

Step 10 - Rebuild your relationships. Addiction hurts the ones you love. In your important relationships there is likely - at best – strain, loss of trust and poor communication, and – at worse – breakups, separation or divorce. Apologize to your loved ones. Reassure them it is not their fault. Understand it will likely take time to trust you again. You need to be patient. Encourage those you love to take care of themselves and to get help to understand addiction. Ask what they need from you and offer to help. Note: You may also find yourself at a crossroads where you realize it may be unhealthy for you to continue with some relationships. So you will have to do some soul searching to determine what relationships need repair and what relationships need to be let go.

Recovery Strategy: Patience and forgiveness – of yourself and others - are important virtues to access here. It takes time and skill to repair relationship ruptures. If you feel stuck or stressed, or confused regarding how to proceed, or you are dealing with anger in key relationships, couple and/or family counselling can often assist in the development of better communication and the rebuilding of trust.

Stay Tuned Tomorrow For Step 11!

To help get your recovery journey moving in the right direction, for the month of September '09 I am pleased to offer a Free 50 minute Consultation to new or prospective clients, either in person in Vancouver BC, or by telephone across North America. To book your free consultation call 778-837-0616 or click here for Email

STEP 9 - GET COUNSELLING For PSYCHOLOGICAL DISTRESS - 11 ADDICTION RECOVERY STEPS

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:21:03 +0100

Today's post is Step 9 of 11 basic but powerful strategies for achieving addiction recovery. Look for a Recovery Step and Strategy every day through September 18th. Use these steps and strategies to help guide you to a solid recovery.

Step 9 - Get counselling for psychological distress. Many people engage in addictive behaviours to ‘self-medicate’, i.e. escape painful emotions, moods, memories, grief, loss, relationships or symptoms of trauma. You may find yourself feeling anxious, sad, empty, irritable or confused in early recovery as emotions that were being masked by addictive behaviours start to show themselves, or due to Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS). You may also experience grief over time, plans, dreams or relationships lost to addiction. Some people struggle with feelings of shame as they attempt to get a foothold in recovery. If you are experiencing psychological pain that is interfering with your life, you owe it to yourself to take steps to heal properly. The good news is that help is available, and you do not have to struggle alone. You can develop the psychological ‘self-management skills’ that are so important to a stable, long term recovery.

Recovery Strategy: See the Recovery and Articles pages on my website for more information on overcoming psychological challenges, pain and distress. You may also benefit from reviewing my article Emotional Sobriety – The Golden Key To Addiction Recovery

Stay Tuned Tomorrow For Step 10!

To help get your recovery journey moving in the right direction, for the month of September '09 I am pleased to offer a Free 50 minute Consultation to new or prospective clients, either in person in Vancouver BC, or by telephone across North America. To book your free consultation call 778-837-0616 or click here for Email

STEP 8 - UNDERSTAND POST ACUTE WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME (PAWS) - 11 ADDICTION RECOVERY STEPS

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:06:21 +0100

Continue your Recovery journey with Step 8 of 11 basic but powerful strategies for achieving addiction recovery. Look for a Recovery Step and Strategy every day through September 18th. Use these steps and stategies to help guide you to a solid recovery.

Step 8 - Understand Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). If you were a former substance abuser, you are now healing from the toxic effects of mood altering drugs on your body and brain. You may experience uncomfortable symptoms as you begin to heal. These symptoms can include mood swings or ‘flat’ emotions, memory and concentration problems, racing thoughts, insomnia, unclear thinking and stress. The good news is that this is a temporary situation. The bad news is that PAWS can go on for several months. It is very important that you take steps to manage your stress well during this time.

Recovery Strategy: Step 7 – taking care of your health - is critical here. This may also be a good time to attend counselling or coaching to help you develop stress management skills and emotional equilibrium that will help your recovery to become the long term success story you want it to be.

Stay Tuned Tomorrow For Step 9!

To help get your recovery journey moving in the right direction, for the month of September '09 I am pleased to offer a Free 50 minute Consultation to new or prospective clients, either in person in Vancouver BC, or by telephone across North America. To book your free consultation call 778-837-0616 or click here for Email

STEP 7 - TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH! - 11 ADDICTION RECOVERY STEPS

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:07:39 +0100

Your Recovery journey continues with Step 7 of 11 basic but powerful strategies for achieving addiction recovery. Look for a Recovery Step and Strategy every day through September 18th. Use these steps and strategies to help guide you to a solid recovery.

Step 7 - Take care of your health. Addictive behaviours, especially substance abuse, deplete your body of vital energy, as well as compromise your physical and psychological well being. You may be suffering from malnutrition and exhaustion. Focus on the basics, i.e. getting enough rest, eating a healthy diet - avoiding stimulants like sugar and caffeine - and exercising. If in doubt, get a physical exam by a naturopath or physician. Nutritional supplements may be especially important during the first months. Extra Vitamin D is essential during northern winters, and don’t neglect those B vitamins either!

Recovery Strategy: Basic nutrition is simple. It revolves around a balance of vegetables, fruits, proteins, complex carbohydrates and healthy fats. Research also shows that regular physical exercise is one the most effective antidotes to depression and anxiety. As one of my clients humorously put it, “It gets the endolphins going”!

Stay Tuned Tomorrow For Step 8 !

To help get your recovery journey moving in the right direction, for the month of September '09 I am pleased to offer a Free 50 minute Consultation to new or prospective clients, either in person in Vancouver BC, or by telephone across North America. To book your free consultation call 778-837-0616 or click here for Email