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Want To Overcome Long Standing Emotional Pain...

Sun, 13 May 2012 17:54:13 +0100

Grief & Loss Education for Social Service Workers in Vancouver Canada

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 02:49:00 +0100

Anxiety Recovery - New Solutions to an Old Problem

Mon, 14 May 2012 18:02:55 +0100

If you suffer from chronic anxiety you already know it's a negative and undermining experience. What you may not know is how anxiety gets control of your life. Anxiety uses fear to hook you. Fear that you can't trust yourselves to cope with a world that does not feel safe. That fear is usually irrational to some extent because it tries to convince you that 1/ either you don't have what it takes to deal with the world and/or, 2/ the world is a dangerous place, where threat is lurking around every corner. Overcoming that irrational fear is the heart of anxiety counselling.

The 3 'Tenses' of Anxiety & Loss

It's my belief that anxiety is primarily a psychological response to loss - in the past, present and future tense. In the present, anxiety can be a response to loss of security and stability, such as death of a loved one, or loss of a job. When this kind of loss occurs, our world as we knew it ceases to be, and we feel disoriented and threatened. Anxiety can also represent a loss of faith in ones ability to manage and cope with the world.

In terms of the past, anxiety can manifest as a life long affliction due to the absence of a safe, nurturing childhood. A childhood characterized by healthy, supportive parenting is the foundation for a calm and confident adulthood.

Anxiety can also be about the future too as we anticipate losses, such as declining health or children leaving home. Anxiety is a 'fast-forward' emotion where we see ourselves hurtling into the future and falling on our face. It leads to catastrophic thinking and loss of confidence. Anxiety screams "I don't trust the world or my ability to handle it". It plants the seeds of doubt and feeling powerless to take charge of our lives. Anxiety stems from this belief: "the world is not a safe place, therefore I can't be safe in it"

How to Overcome Anxiety

The first step is to become aware of the early warning signs of anxiety and to intervene before it gets out of hand. Is it a tight feeling in your chest, head, throat or gut? Or does it show up as racing thoughts? Learn to recognize the first signs of anxiety, then...
Stop! Break the vicious circle. Focus on breathing normally from your belly. Anxiety leads to shallow breathing, which in turn makes your stress hormones spike, creating even more anxious feelings. By focusing on something as natural as proper breathing you can lower your stress hormones to normal and feel calmer in 5 short minutes! When you are feeling calmer physically you can then...
Think your way out of anxiety. Anxiety causes your thoughts to race, and undermines your ability to think rationally. Once you have calmed down physically you are in a position to be able to examine - and stand up to - the negative beliefs that set you up experience fear-based thinking. You need to expose your worst fears about yourself and your world for what they are - two dimensional lies. Fear-based thinking relies on convincing you that the world is a hostile place and you are either powerless or not competent to function in it. Identify your core fear-based beliefs. For example, "I'm not good enough". Ask yourself, "What are the exceptions to this belief?" and "What is the evidence to the contrary?" In other words, think of the times you have been and are 'good enough'. After all you have survived this far, and likely have some reliable survival skills and other positive features in your life.
Reframe the fear-based belief to be a more reflective of the reality of who you really are. For example, "I'm not good enough" can usually be reframed as "Even though I feel inadequate when fear gets a hold of me, I recognize there are times when I have been good enough. For example..." Write down examples of your 'adequacy' - it provides proof, and makes your abilities feel more concrete and real. If you have problem areas, make a plan for overcoming them. Find the right solution to the problem. Ask yourself, "Do I need to build personal or technical skills?" For example, "Do I need to improve my confidence or get better organized?" Then take steps to gain these skills.
Get Counselling if you are stuck. Many people feel bogged down by anxiety and need temporary support to overcome it effectively. Honestly ask yourself if you need some extra help. This is not a sign of weakness but of common sense. The good news is that counselling can usually help you resolve anxiety more quickly than you can on your own, often in 5 to 20 sessions. Once you start overcoming anxiety you'll feel more confident and independent, which creates a solid foundation for an anxiety-free life.

Glynis Sherwood - MEd, CCC, is a Counselling Therapist specializing in recovery from Anxiety and Loss. For more information on how counselling can help you recover from Anxiety or Loss, contact me for a free Telephone consultation. During that consultation we will discuss your situation and how my counselling services can help you rebound as soon as possible. You may contact me by telephone: 778-837-0616 or by email at Glynis@GlynisSherwood.com. My services are available in person in Vancouver Canada, or Toll-Free across North America by Telephone. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on the road to recovery!

Free Homicide Loss Support Groups in Vancouver BC

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:05:28 +0100

Widows Support Group - Vancouver Canada - Winter 2012

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:50:27 +0100

Have you been Widowed for 6 months or longer? Are you looking for support as you work through your grief and transition through your healing journey? Please join facilitator Carolyn Main for this unique group experience in February 2012.

Winter Bereavement Support Groups in Vancouver Canada

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:49:41 +0100

Finding Love After Loss - Dating

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:06:10 +0100

Are you a young widow who's thinking about dating & want to be sure you're ready?
Read on to discover 4 key steps to feeling confident about dating after Loss

The first critical step towards feeling confident about dating after loss is to understand WHY you want to date. In other words to get clear about your motivation and your values. This is important because it helps you to know what is driving you, what you need, and what is good for you at this particular point in your grief journey and life in general. It's a good idea to start with sorting out your Motivation.

Step 1: Ask yourself Why you want to date

Your Motivation: Do you want to get comfortable socializing with men again, have some fun, find companionship, have sex, or pursue an intimate relationship? On a gut level, which of these possibilities feels best for you? If you have been spending a lot of time alone, try and figure out what you truly need. Are you still grieving and require more time to process your loss, or do you need to challenge yourself to connect with others to help you overcome isolation. You may need to take some time to experience friendships first, before embarking on dating. Many young widows derive a lot of comfort from connecting with other widows in a support group, either online or in person. If you feel you are really stuck in the pain of loss, you may benefit from counselling.

Your Values: Once you have figured out 'Why' you want to date, it's helpful to get clear about your beliefs about dating, especially as a young widow. Decide what social, cultural or spiritual values are important to you? Are your values similar to or different from prevailing attitudes in your family or peer group? For example, do you believe that it's OK to fall in love and possibly enter a committed relationship again? Don't let others pressure you into remaining a widow or dating before you are ready. The bottom line is that it's important to date because you want to, and it fits with your values and beliefs. Determine what you want and need right now, and trust yourself. Do you need to focus on working through your grief more? Do you need to strengthen a sense of independence and relying on yourself?   Or do you need to develop new relationships?

Write It Down: Before you make a decision about dating spend some time writing down:
a/ What’s motivating me to date or not to date? Is this good for me? Why?
b/ What personal beliefs do I have about dating, and how should I let this guide me?
c/ What strengths or vulnerabilities do I see in myself that tell me I am either ready to date, need more time to heal, or would benefit from building up my sense of independence before starting to date.

Step 2:   Take Advantage of Your Allies - Your Emotions… Get the Full Free Report Here: http://www.glynissherwood.com/young-widows-and-dating.php

Glynis Sherwood, MEd, CCC, is a Counselling Therapist specializing in recovery from the pain of Grief and rebuilding life after Loss. For more information on how counselling can help you recover from Grief and Loss, contact me for a free Telephone consultation. During that consultation we will discuss your situation, and how my counselling services can help you start to recover from grief and loss as soon as possible. You may contact me by telephone: 778-837-0616 or by email through my website: www.GlynisSherwood.com/grief-recovery-counselling.php    My services are available in person in Vancouver Canada, or Toll Free across North America by Telephone. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on the road to recovery!

Grief & the Holiday Season - 12 Strategies for Cultivating Peace of Mind

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:56:48 +0100

Grief can intensify during the holiday season, as memories of loved ones who’ve died, or from whom we’ve parted, or other traumatic personal losses, remind us of a past that was and will never be again. The first Christmas after the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a job loss can feel especially challenging. And the emphasis placed on looking ahead to the New Year can feel out of sync with the more ‘backward-gazing’ and reflective focus of grief. Social norms, expectations and traditions can also lead to the intensification of grief during the holiday season in the following ways:

• Christmas is traditionally a family time, and by its very nature spotlights the absence or loss of family members through death or divorce; separation through geographic distance or illness; family breakdown or estrangement.

• Christmas is also time of sharing bounty with others, and losses such as the death of a breadwinner, un or under-employment, or family breakdown leading to financial insecurity can cause grief, as well as guilt and anger.

• Societal and family expectations of that one be cheerful and outgoing at Christmas - in spite of life’s losses - can feel like pressure to be someone you are not, on top of dealing with grief.

So the challenge remains: how to get through and possibly enjoy Christmas. The ‘How’ involves reducing stress, sadness and loneliness while allowing yourself to grieve as you need to.

Aside from common sense approaches - including getting adequate sleep, nutrition, exercise and avoiding excess alcohol, sugar and food - grieving people have found the following strategies to be helpful:

1. Make Plans – avoid loneliness and negative thinking.

2. Allow yourself to be aware of your thoughts and feeling about your loss.

3. Spend time with people you care about and who care about you.

4. Talk as much as you need with people who know about your loss and will non-judgmentally accept your need to acknowledge your loss. Think about and share positive thoughts about deceased loved ones – what you learned from them, how they made the world a better place, etc.

5. Honor the memory of deceased loved ones through rituals that bring comfort to yourself and others – e.g. a special ornament, stocking, photo, etc.

6. Steer clear of conflict and minimize being around others who don’t understand your loss – especially people who tell you to “cheer up” or “forget about it”.

7. Avoid ‘self-medicating’ with alcohol or drugs to numb pain, so that you can stay aware of your emotions and do the grief work you need to do to heal.

8. Cuddle with your pets - unconditional love can be so comforting.

9. Create new Christmas and New Years rituals that you can look forward to next year and beyond. This may include things you do with your family and/or things you do on your own. For example, one family I know started a boxing day ritual where they visit a beach that is a special place they and their deceased loved one used to go together. Another family started annual ski trips - something they didn't do with their loved one but now do together to honor surviving family members.

10. Practice Mindfulness – focus on getting past worry and fear by being in the moment. Remembering what you still have to be grateful for can help tremendously.

11. Maintain Perspective – the first year after loss is usually the hardest. You can likely look forward to next year being easier. It helps to take this perspective into the New Year.

12. If you believe you are ‘stuck’ in grief, or your grief is intensifying, especially after more than 6 months to a year, arrange to see a counsellor who specializes in recovery from complicated, traumatic or prolonged grief.

Glynis Sherwood MEd, CCC, is a Counselling Therapist specializing in recovery from loss, and complicated grief. For more information on how counselling can help you recover from Grief and Loss, contact me for a free 15 minute consultation. During that consultation we will discuss your situation, and how my counselling services can help you start to recover from grief and loss as soon as possible. You may contact me by telephone: 778-837-0616 or by email through my website: www.GlynisSherwood.com/grief-recovery-counselling.php My services are available in person in Vancouver Canada, or across North America by telephone or Skype. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on the road to recovery!

How To Talk To Grieving People - 4 Essential Guidelines

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:58:18 +0100

One of the most common concerns I hear from grieving folks is that too many people just don't seem to know what to say to them, and end up either making inappropriate remarks or avoiding them altogether. This can result in the griever feeling isolated and unsupported. Fortunately talking to grieving people does not have to be complicated or confusing. A few simple rules can guide you to having helpful and lasting connections with bereaved and grieving people.

Guideline # 1 - Understand That Grieving Takes Time

Grief, especially when it comes to significant loss, is not usually over in a matter of days, weeks or even months. The depth of an individual's grief will depend on the meaning of the loss, which is highly personal. So the loss of a job may be more difficult than the death of a critically ill parent - or vice versa. The thing to remember is that grief, and in particular bereavement, is a continual, lifelong process of adjusting to loss. Be aware that people who have sustained multiple losses over a life time may also be at greater risk for chronic grief - i.e. extremely painful and intrusive feelings of loss that don't resolve over time.

The initial reaction to loss is typically some form of shock and psychological numbing. This is often followed by strong feelings of grief - such as intense sadness, panic, anger and loneliness - that can feel overwhelming. Fortunately people often rally around the grieving person at the time of their loss, when they are more likely to be in shock. What many people don't realize however is that the truly challenging pain of grief tends to occur weeks or months later, and can take longer to resolve. It's during these painful days - often lasting 1 or more years - when grievers need patient, caring and understanding friends and loved ones the most.

Guideline # 2 - Keep In Touch No Matter What

It means a lot to grieving people that their friends and loved ones make an effort to stay in contact with them for the long haul. Unfortunately many grieving people tell me that they feel abandoned by their friends and loved ones, particularly after the first few days and weeks since their loss. Our society has an inadequate understanding of the grieving process, and unrealistic expectations about how long the pain of grief takes to resolve. A classic example of this is that bereavement leaves granted by most employers typically last a few days, and even then are only granted to immediate family members.

It is useful to know that grief cannot be compartmentalized into a narrow time frame. What grieving people need is ongoing caring and support. Staying in touch by phone, inviting the griever over for dinner or out for an excursion are gestures that feel immensely gratifying. Ask how the grieving person is doing, and let them decide how much they want to talk about it. Grief is a lonely experience. If the griever is widowed (married or unmarried), it is very important that their circle of friends act to include them in activities that they previously enjoyed as a couple.

Guideline # 3 - Don't Use Platitudes or Comparisons

Sadly most bereaved and grieving people have to field unhelpful or insensitive comments people make to them about their loss. These kinds of remarks are not usually made from unkindness, but because the person uttering them does not know what to say but desires or feels obliged to reach out to the griever. As a rule of thumb, when talking with a grieving person steer clear of the following statements:

"I know how you feel" - Unfortunately, you can't know exactly how another person feels.
"You can always get another husband, baby, job, pet, etc." - The griever isn't interested in a replacement, they want the beloved person or thing they have lost back.
"He/She is with God now" - Don't assume the griever believes in God, or even if they do, finds the idea of God comforting, as they may be thinking that God deprived them of someone they loved dearly and may be feeling betrayed by God
"You should be grateful for the time you had together" - Grieving is not a sign of ingratitude. The griever may be extremely grateful, but still want their loved one back.

Most of the time it is also wise to avoid sharing anecdotes about your own losses when someone is discussing the impact of their grief. Being sensitive to the timing of communication helps - people in early grief are usually not able to talk about their loss philosophically, as developing any kind of perspective takes time.

Guideline # 3 - Use These Two Simple Phrases To Keep Communication Channels Open

If you feel stumped about where to begin when talking to a grieving person you can simply say "I'm so sorry for your loss". In early grief, this may be all the griever can handle or needs to hear. You can also ask "How can I help". If griever says they don't know, you can make suggestions based on the depth of your bond, e.g. talk, sit together quietly, go for a walk in nature, have dinner, go to a movie, baby sit, help deal with funeral details, make phone calls etc. "How can I help?" is a door opening question that should be asked throughout the grieving process, as the griever's needs and psychological state shifts over time. In other words, what is helpful in early grief may be different than what helps a year later.

Guideline # 4 - When To Talk About The Deceased Person

Most bereaved people tell me that they love hearing positive stories about their deceased loved one. The process of sharing fond remembrances helps to keep their memory alive and feels comforting to the bereaved person, and may help you feel better too. In early grief, you can let the bereaved person know how much their loved one meant to you, if that's how you truly feel. Later in grief, when shock subsides and the bereaved person has more energy, you can share more detailed happy or amusing memories of the deceased, including images such as photographs. Let the bereaved know that you welcome hearing about their loved one - as they feel ready, and invite them to share their memories with you.

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Glynis Sherwood MEd, CCC, is a Counselling Therapist specializing in recovery from sudden, traumatic or long term Loss leading to grief, anxiety, depression or addictive behaviors. For more information on how couenselling can help you heal from the pain of Loss, contact me for a free consultation. During that consultation we will discuss your situation and how my counselling services can help you start to recover from the hurt of grief and loss as soon as possible. You may contact me by telephone: 778-837-0616 or by email at Glynis@GlynisSherwood.com. My services are available in person in Vancouver Canada, or World Wide by Telephone or Skype. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on the road to recovery!

10 Keys to Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster of Palliative Care-Giving

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:59:02 +0100

Dedicated to Cleveland Amory Sherwood 1998 – September 20, 2011.
The best cat ever!

I started to write this post a couple of weeks ago. Since that time I have had to carry out the excruciating decision to euthanize my sweet tabby cat Cleveland due to the ravages of cancer. Cleveland died only 2 ½ months after his diagnosis. It spread through him like a bush fire. I was his nurse throughout this ordeal. Being his care giver was both an honor and a heartbreaking experience. The article below is written in the present tense - while Cleveland was still alive - and is a reflection on what I learned as an end of life care-giver.

Fear is the psychological reaction to danger; grief the reaction to the numerous losses that are likely to occur in the course of an illness that is approaching a fatal outcome
- Colin Murray Parkes, Psychiatrist

Those of you who read my Blog regularly know that for the past few months I have been providing intensive care for my beautiful - inside and out - cat Cleveland who has nasal cancer. Cleveland is an integral part of my family, and the prospect of losing him is like that of losing a child. In a word, heartbreaking. I was never blessed with human children, and animals are a focal point of my life. To paraphrase Isaac Bashevis Singer: My religion is vegetarianism. I know from listening to my heart that my emotions could not be any deeper if I was caring for a beloved human being.

The Wear and Tear of Palliative Care-Giving

This past week Cleveland almost lost his life twice. In each case he rallied. Surviving each crisis stirs up hope as well as considerable fear, sadness and feelings of helplessness. This is the emotional roller coaster of the long term care giver. It has got me thinking hard about the best ways to cope during this time of uncertainty.

The end-of-life care giver struggles with ongoing difficulties that contribute to stress and grief. From my own personal experience I would identify these challenges as: 1/ The 'Problem' of Uncertainty – not knowing the outcome of treatment interventions, whether the care you are giving is making a difference, whether your loved one is getting better or worse, or is in limbo; 2/ Anticipatory Grief – this grief sets in when you sense that your loved one is going to die, regardless of any interventions; 3/ Not knowing when to hold on to hope versus when it's time to let go; 4/ Deep Sadness and Sorrow – over your loved one’s suffering, and the loss of the life – and relationship you shared - they had when they were healthy; 5/ Disenfranchised Grief – socially unrecognized grief, which in my case is grieving for a cat; 6/ Fatal Illness Strain – the sinking feeling that the odds are stacked against your loved one, and the inability to predict if or when the disease will take your loved one’s life; 7/ Faint Hope – The intensely draining daily ups and downs of thinking Cleveland was dying to believing he would make it; 8/ Desire to Save Your Loved One – The exhausting and sometimes frantic, research to find a cure; 9/ Helplessness – Feeling powerless against a force – in this case Cancer - that is unknowable, unpredictable and possibly much more powerful that your best intentions or interventions; 10/ Fear - the ongoing reaction to 'danger' of impending or actual loss.

How To Survive As A Palliative Care-Giver

Below is a list of home-grown knowledge and wisdom I have acquired first hand through this painful but meaningful experience of care-giving. If you are or will be providing care to a critically ill loved one please do:

1.    Appreciate Your Efforts - Care-giving is a labor of love that will likely improve the quality of life of your loved one. Forgive yourself for not being able to be there 24 hours a day if you must go out to work, take care of other family members, etc.
2.    Create Healthy Boundaries - Respite and balance are critical. Take frequent breaks that get you out of the house for a change of scenes. Pick activities that are light, inspire hope and boost your spirits.
3.    Resist the anxiety fueled 'need' to be there all the time keeping vigil 'just in case'. Learn about the stages of the illness you are dealing with so you know what to anticipate, and are more able to recognize danger signs (sometimes hard to know), otherwise your constant vigil can increase your anxiety.
4.    Accept that it's normal to feel afraid, sad, helpless and hopeful all at the same time.
5.    Get Emotional Support - Near death experiences like my recent experience with Cleveland are traumatizing, and I needed to not deal with it on my own.
6.    Avoid Perfectionism - Lower the bar, especially given the unknowns and things you can't control.
7.    Unload - Express grief in the early stages of illness, it will make it easier to cope when faced with additional losses. Talk to supportive, understanding people who don't judge or give unsolicited advice.
8.    Stop Procrastination - Anxiety about your loved one can lead to procrastination. Identify one important thing that you 'must' do for your self the night before and then do it the next day.
9.    Delegate – If possible find helper(s) who can step in to take over certain tasks, give you a break, etc.
10.    Exercise – Do this daily as much as possible. Exercise is one of the few activities that has been demonstrated to reduce anxiety and depression.

Glynis Sherwood MEd, CCC, is a Counselling Therapist specializing in recovery from grief, anxiety, depression or addictive behaviors related to sudden, traumatic or long term loss. For more information on how counselling can help you heal from the pain of Loss, contact me for a free 15 minute consultation. During that consultation we will discuss your situation and how my counselling services can help you start to recover from the hurt of grief and loss as soon as possible. You may contact me by telephone: 778-837-0616 or by email at Glynis@GlynisSherwood.com.   My services are available in person in Vancouver Canada, or World Wide by Telephone or Skype. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on the road to recovery!